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| TO THE TENANTS AT __ LONGVIEW | |
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To the new tenants at __ Longview, Hi. I'm one of the old tenants at __ Longview and here are 13 things I thought you might like to know: 1. Your furnace is a real hum-dinger. Super-efficient. Between that and the windows, your heating costs should be relatively low. I say "relatively" because the price of heating oil is still a little high. But chances are that you'll still be paying less than most of your friends, neighbors, family, and co-workers - and isn't that what's really important? 2. Hardwood floors are a great place to breakdance. 3. Tom was supposed to finish mowing the lawn, but it's been so damn hot the past couple days that he decided not to. I don't blame him. As consolation, he says you can have the lawnmower, which is out back in the shed. 4. If any of you is in a band which plays loud rock and roll music, the basement is a swell place to practice - it's pretty soundproof so you don't have to worry about neighbors complaining or anything like that. In fact, once you realize that nobody can even tell when you're practicing, you'll find it's much easier to just pretend you're practicing and then watch kung fu movies instead. 5. Your neighbor across the street, Jerry, may seem like an odd fellow at first. But behind all the lawn ornaments, the two AMC Eagles up on blocks in his driveway, and the RV conveniently taking up half the street… there lies a fine man of exemplary character. There's a good chance he'll turn out to be your best friend in the neighborhood - which is a good thing because that means he might snowblow your driveway when winter rolls around. If you happen to see him wearing his big belt-buckle, don't forget to compliment him on it: there are only three like it in the world. 6. We left a very large half-full box of Arm and Hammer baking soda under the bathroom sink. Consequently, under-the-bathroom-sink is the best smelling place in the whole house. 7. If you find yourself getting harassed by a neighborhood kid named Timmy Bushey (ringing the doorbell and running away or that sort of thing) the best way to deal with him is to scream as loud as you can, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE BEFORE I SNAP YOU IN HALF, YOU LITTLE SHIT!" If that's not quite your style, you might try chanting repeatedly, "Timmy Bushey likes boys' tushies." I imagine most young boys wouldn't stick around for that sort of thing. 8. The refrigerator door is an excellent place to post pictures or funny sayings or reminders about important appointments. 9. If you hear what sounds like a dog on the back hill baying at the moon - only there's no dog to be seen, and it's the night of April 14th (Tax Day Eve) - don't be scared: that's just the ghost of my dead dog Annie. I had to have the vet give her the blue liquid death last year on April 14th because she was in renal failure. She was a very good dog and a trooper to the end. Whereas I cried like a little girl. 10. If you hear what sounds like a dog on the back hill baying at the moon, only there's no dog to be seen, and it's any night other than April 14th, then run like hell - cuz Satan be nigh! 11. If the next-door neighbor's teenage daughter happens to bend over right in front of you for no good reason, try not to stare at her ass. Josh did that and the girl's father saw him and gave him a wicked dirty look. 12. I very stupidly didn't give the post office my forwarding address until, um, the day I moved. I hope you don't mind if I stop by next week just to pick up any leftover mail. 13. Above all, remember this: convenience is the enemy of discipline. You have a semi-big house to yourselves now, so it will be very easy to accumulate a lot of junk. My advice: don't do it. And forget about throwing that table with the broken leg into the garage until you get around to fixing it. Let's be real: you'll never get around to fixing it, so the best thing is to get rid of it as quickly as you can. Otherwise you're gonna have a lot of crap to deal with when you decide to move out - which means you'll probably end up like me, scurrying around at the last minute trying to get the place spiffed up, looking like a walking sweat-stain when the next tenants show up to sign the lease. The Northampton Sanitary Landfill is only about 5 minutes away - semi-regular trips there will save you a lot of hassle in the end. Never underestimate the immense sense of joy and satisfaction that comes with hurling furniture-size items into a dumpster. I hope you enjoy your new home.
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READER'S
COMMENTS:
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Thank you, truly, - Ross Oct 24, 02
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Here's
a nice letter that Shawn left when we moved out of the rockin' No-Shadow
Kick MAN-HAUS:
| TO THE TENANTS AT __ LONGVIEW |
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