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Dear
noshadowkick.com readers,
Some of you may think that this website is something of a sham --
that we save what little scraps of humor and insight that we can muster
and post them on this website for all the world to see, hoping to
keep secret the fact that we lead dull and uninspiring lives.
What follows is the transcript of an e-mail exchange that our friend
Ian and I had regarding a certain Steven Spielberg film whose title
starts with "A" and ends with "I" and has absolutely
nothing in the middle. I think that, after reading it, all you
nay-sayers will have to agree that we are totally humorous and insightful
in real life as well. Neener neener neener.
IAN:
A.I. is not an original story, nor even an original vision.
However, it is a fairly successful grafting of the Pinocchio
fairytale with elements of Close Encounters, E.T., 2001: A Space
Odyssey and A Clockwork Orange. At 2 hours 20 minutes
long, it's not the type of film that you wait for things to happen,
it's the sort that you need to just ride through. Consider this
warning - if you don't buy into it in the first hour, and you wish
that it will end soon - just leave. Just when you think it will
end, it doesn't and that will only piss you off more.
Haley Joel Osment is an amazing child actor, Jude Law is charming
and handsome, and everyone else is good enough. The Teddy Bear
is the best - what we always wished Teddy Ruxpin actually was.
This is the first Steven Spielberg film in 15 years that hasn't made
me want to punch someone, preferably Steven Spielberg. It's
his riskiest film since Close Encounters of the Third Kind,
and deserving of patient viewing.
SHAWN:
The sound of music in the future is... Ministry? What
an inspired and visionary bit of science-fiction!
Ahem.
I agree that A.I. has some good stuff going for it. That Haley
Joel Osmond kid is really fantastic -- I haven't been so creeped
out by a child actor since... well, The Sixth Sense.
Donnie and Marie must be proud to have such a gifted son.
But ultimately, A.I. suffers from the same weaknesses as any other
Spielberg film in recent memory:
a) his inability to restrain his own worst impulses,
b) his complete abandonment of subtlety, and
c) his apparent mistrust in the intelligence of his audience.
I hate to be cinematically "talked-down-to" but unfortunately
that seems to be Spielberg's modus operandi: the cloying narration,
the over-exposition, the overt statement of moral in terms an eight-year-old
would find juvenile.... not to mention the over-the-top, manipulative
musical cues (just in case you're unable to figure out what emotions
you should be feeling).
One of the best things about the Pleasant Street Theater -- in addition
to the pitifully small screens and the audiences who think it's
okay to talk through an entire movie -- is the Stanley Kubrick quote
posted on the wall: something along the lines of "It's easy
to decide what you want to say in a film -- the hard part is covering
it up." It's too bad Spielberg didn't keep that in mind
when he made A.I.
IAN:
Sounds good to me - and I hardly disagree with you. I just think
my expectations were lower. The most encouraging two-line-review
that I can come up with is: A.I. is sure to alienate
those who Spielberg usually panders to, in equal number to those who
he usually alienates anyway. And that's some sort of encouraging
progress.
And no - the music of the future isn't Ministry - Ministry will always
be the music of the violent and mindless; which is one of the things
he actually got right.
SHAWN:
Ha ha! You made me spit root beer out my nose.
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If
all of you critics are so damn smart why aren't you directing your
own movie instead of critisizing. You guys are sitting on your asses
making fun of people that are actually creating something. The easiest
thing in the world is critisizing... Get a life...
-
Willie Harris, Nov 20, 02
Dear
Willie,
Even
though it has absolutely no bearing on our ability to form critical
opinions, you can sample some of our various creations right here.
or
here.
or
here.
Have
a lovely life.
Regards,
Shawn - No-Shadow Kick, Nov 20, 02
Shawn,
you holier-than-Willie asshole. How dare you flaunt you and your friends'
creativity like some sort of all-access backstage pass at an awesome
Bon Jovi concert. You pretentious unrepentant roadie-pleasuring snob.
Oh,
and you forgot to tell Willie about the TV
commercial that you starred in and I directed.
-
Tom - No-Shadow Kick, Nov 20, 02
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