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  Driving around in the middle of the night in the middle of the desert in a tricked-out Knight-Industried Mustang with the headlights off is fucking tough.  Period.  It's even better if Melanie Griffith is driving.   It's best because it's the young, more babe-ish Melanie Griffith and not the sort of icky, easily unlikeable Melanie Griffith that walks among us today, replete wih her Banderas-inflicted thigh bruises. The only reason I like her in this movie is because I saw it when I had a super-huge girl-sized crush on Molly Ringwald.  This was a while ago, mind you.  Serious, I had the issue of Time with MR on the cover and everything.  Anyway, Melanie Griffith in Cherry 2000 is like Sixteen Candle gone ass-whuppin'.  Shit.  Let's talk C2K.

  If there is one thing that American culture shares with our friends to the East, it is the undying fascination & infatuation with Hot Female Sex Robots.  Perhaps if this particular strain of hormone-induced science fiction had existed in the 40's, we could have avoided the horribly bloody World War II and the national dishonour of Pearl Harbor, the movie.  Cherry 2000 does indeed have Hot Female Sex Robots, but thankfully, they're not actually in the movie alot, and when they are, well, they're just sorta funny.  Fortunately, the movie does include many a shot of a burned-up, jacked-up '66 Mustang with some sorta jet-exhaust pipe coming out of the license plate area. Lotsa switches and gizmos inside, too.  When I first ran across this movie on WLVI channel 56 in the late 80's, I fell in love.  No not the whole Molly Ringwald thing forget I mentioned that I'm talking about the car.  Not shiny, not chromed-out.   Just a badass desert beater.  They're probably still banging sand out of that hood.  It was glorious.  The fucking car got hit with a missle and caught on fire.  It was the swellest.  I couldn't fathom how she could so casually abandon the car in that big waterpipe thing.  The crane thing I never quite understood.   And then they trade it for a damned plane with big cartoon wheels?  C'mon!   Is this really the post-apocalyptic muscle car desert gang movie genre I know and love so well?  Who'd do that?  Who?

  Me and Shawn both were reminded of Ice Pirates when the C2K gang was heading for the stupid plane.  Gonna have to dig that piece of crap up to find out what the exact relation was, as neither of us could actually recall. I suppose it could be the whole Robert Urich/Spenser: For Hire/ classic Mustang connection.   Or at least there was a connection, until the producers of Spenser pussied out because the floor was falling out of his sweet ride.  AWWW!!  INT DAT TOO BAD!!! OOOOHH!  LIL BOBBY URICH FALL GO BOOM!!!!  AWWWWW!  There's no way Spenser would drive that crappy late 80's Mustang he got stuck with.   No fucking way. That's like accusing the Commish of taking payola.

  Cherry 2000 has recently been reissued on DVD, though I suspiciously arch an eyebrow at anyone who would feel the need to see a digitally crisp version of this essentially crap movie.  Get the VHS tape for like, $3 at a pawn shop.  It was good enough for all them UHF stations, it's good enough for you.- Tom, June 19, 2001

 AT A GLANCE: CHERRY 2000

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