BACK TO RANDOM CRAP MENU

BACK TO MAIN PAGE

The East has a long and proud tradition of lifting action movie plots from the West (Bodyguard, Die Hard... yeah, hello?   Kurosawa?  Ever heard of Star Wars?  Yeah.  How bout The Magnificent Seven, there, big guy?) As innovative as their industry is in regards to cinematography and, of course, martial arts and action effects, they have long dawdled behind the gweilos on the lame-ass stories that string the fight scenes together. Our lame-ass stories blow theirs AWAY.

  If I were writing a Variety-style blurb for Eastern Condors, it would be "Rambo meets Apocalypse Now meets the Dirty Dozen meets CBS's Martial Law!" Well, I'm not writing a Variety-style blurb on Eastern Condors, but let's just say that it's Rambo meets Apocalypse Now meets the Dirty Dozen meets CBS's Martial Law.  There's POW liberating in Vietnam, bamboo water cages, russian roulette with prisoners, a rag-tag unit of ex-con misfits pressed into service where pardons are their reward, hot babe freedom fighters, side characters that die before you find out their names, and CBS's Martial Law's Sammo Hung's fat belly.

  Now, with that out of the way, let me say that this movie kicks good ass. I realize this may sound a little callous, but boy, people die in so many cool ways in this movie, I can't even describe them all.  I'm talkin' really shocking "WHOA!" sorts of deaths.  I'm talkin' "HOLY SHIT DID YOU SEE THAT?!?" sorts of deaths.  I'm talkin' Bear Mountain Picnic Massacre, can you dig? While the fighting is indeed good (lots of shooting, good amount of hand-to-hand), the true standout is the acrobatics provided by Yuen Biao and Sammo.  Most viewers looked on skeptically after Biao decided mid-career to try his hand at the kung fu genre.  Best known for his sucessful run on the long-running television series Happy Days, Joannie Loves Chachi, and Charles in Charge, his work here in this late-80's post-namechange gem cannot be overlooked.   Sammo holds his own with  some excellent heroic non-wire flying around, Billy Lau kicks alot as he is wont to do, and Yuen Wo Ping, well, he just smokes and dies. - Tom, June 19, 2001

NO-SHADOW KICK?   no.

SOUNDTRACK: very strange.

PLOT CONVIENIENTLY PLACES TWO UNARMED ADVERSARIES IN A LARGE MULTI-LEVEL ROOM FILLED WITH PROPS THAT CAN BE USED FOR FIGHTING ULTIMATE MANO-Y-MANO SHOWDOWN?  Yep, right there in the middle of the Vietnam jungle. Amazing.

ASS-KICKING GIGGLING BAD GUY WITH GIRLISH ATTRIBUTES? yes.   Shawn totally called it early on. I was all like "No way, dude!" but he was like "Yeah, totally!"

MONKS? does a three-wheeled motorcycle with balloons tied to it count?

BEST LINE: what the stuttering guy says right before he dies.

WORTH OWNING? yes

SEE ALSO: RAMBO, APOCALYPSE NOW, DIRTY DOZEN, MARTIAL LAW.  Ha-ha.   Get it? See what I did there?

Yuen Biao confused with Scott Baio????

Billy Lau kicks?! Wo Ping confused with Corey?!

Could this be Ric writing under yet another pseudonym?

- KC Woman

hahaha

- MassaCure

Hah. I hope that guy was trying to make a bad joke. Dosen't look likely, though.

LiWang

Come on! You guys didn't know that Yuen Biao was in CHARLES IN CHARGE!??!?!

mpm74

LOL. That dude has GOT to be kidding.

Y'know what's funnier though? Naive fan-boys looking frantically for old copies of Charles in Charge on tape to catch any Kung Fu action they may have missed in the '80s.

COF Operator

Sweet baby moses!!!
That guy is more dis-illusional the Robert Downey jr on spring-break...
I can't believe people who are THAT stupid know how to make a website...
Good thing there wasn't a red-head in eastern condors or else he would also have mentioned Ralph Malph...

Yi Long

ha ha

honest fellas, honest.

- tom No-Shadow Kick

You're Carrottop, aren't you!?

Yi Long