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Harold and Zhivago. Now here's two guys that just want to be happy. Well, that's oversimplifying, but it's the best common thread I could come up with. Work with me here. How about: These two films present two very unique love stories. Okay? Better? On one hand, you've got your star-crossed lovers separated by war and on the other hand, you've got your star-crossed lovers separate by, oh... about sixty years or so. Anyway, let's throw these fuckers into the ring and see which ones would rather be flowers..

TIT RIDES: Harold and Maude features a sweet Cadillac hearse, a brief joyride in a 67-68 Mustang fastback (I'm guessing), a darned pretty silver Jaguar, and , of course, the teeny kustom Jaguar hearse. How teeny? Well, at one point in the film, the Jag passes a Pinto Wagon, and the Pinto had like, a foot of length over it. Ha ha ha. Well, I think it's funny, goddamnit. Now as for Zhivago, now here you'd think this movie would be disqualified from this category, being set in pre-auto days. But, LO! Pasha's badass red train! Holy moly. If only it had a cool name like "The People's Interrogator" or perhaps "The Red Mother-Fuck".

CHARACTER (D)EVOLVEMENT: Pasha's Vader-like ascension to power is pretty excellent. He does the whole scarred-face thing, the name-change, there's whispered fear at the mere mention of his name, and of course there's the eventual attempt at reconciliation with his loved ones, as well with his former self. Hell, even The Red Mother-Fuck is Death Star-like in its own train sort of way. George Lucas should really sue these guys because everyone is always stealing his original thoughts and ideas. As for Harold and Maude, Harold starts off as a detached lump of soft white poop and blooms into a loving young man who enjoys playing the banjo. Oddly enough, that's Shawn's one-sentence life story as well. Isn't that funny.

SUICIDE ATTEMPTS: Harold's are hilarious, if not a little disturbing. Lara's mom's iodine OD is pretty good, mostly due to the fact that she's wet-down and nekkid as a Russian jaybird. You can see her tushie. Ultimately though, Maude wins. Despite her attempt being the lamest, most pedestrian of all the end-it-alls listed here, hers is special because... well, because she was just plain better at it.

IMPLIED ACTION: Zhivago's much-lauded personal poetry is about as film-ready as Howard Roark's building designs in The Fountainhead. How do you make a piece of art about extraordinary art without allowing the audience to judge it for themselves? Why, you do what Diego Velazquez did in Las Meninas. You don't show it. You sort of refer to it. Of course. Brilliant. Ain't nothing better than a movie about a poet that doesn't have any damned poetry in it. Harold and Maude's only implied action, of course, is the fucking.

HUMOUR: Harold and Maude is a pretty funny movie. Every scene with Harold and his mother (played by the exquisitely named Vivian Pickles) is great. The one-armed soldier uncle is a fucking riot. In Doctor Zhivago, if there were any one-armed soldiers, they were probably slightly less hilarious. Zhivago has dead babies without the accompanying dead-baby jokes to provide wholesome levity and a little comic relief. "Lara's Theme" is reintroduced again and again, seemingly born in some distant pre-ironic era. The Russians are decidedly British-flavored, yet no lighthearted Benny Hill fast-forward chases appear to break the super-downer mood of a nation tearing itself apart. All in all, I'd say Doctor Zhivago presents a war-torn revolution in a frigid wasteland as not being particularly funny at all. Hmmmm. Peculiar.

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