BACK TO RANDOM CRAP MENU

BACK TO MAIN PAGE

 

 MOVIE REVIEW: PITCH BLACK (2000)


I rented this movie after reading a couple reviews that said it was smarter than your average sci-fi thriller.  Having now seen it, I'm not sure what all the hubbub was about.  It's possible that the "average" was a little bit skewed that year by the releases of Red Planet and Mission To Mars.

The plot revolves around the survivors from a spaceship that's forced to crash-land on a planet that orbits three suns.  With all those suns out and about, the planet is in a state of perpetual daylight -- although to be honest, trying to figure out the orbital convolutions that would make this possible sort of makes my brain hurt.  But apparently this is smarter than your average sci-fi thriller, so maybe I am just stupid.

Anyhoo -- as spaceship crashes go, things here are going along just fine... until a solar eclipse plunges the planet into a period of total darkness and a bunch of light-averse, subterranean creatures start flying out of holes in the ground and eating people. Suddenly our motley assortment (note that I refrained from saying "motley crew") of survivors must depend for their continued non-dying on the help of escaped-serial-killer-with-a-heart-of-gold-and-technologically-enhanced-eyesight Vin Diesel (a.k.a. "The man with the coolest name ever").

One interesting thing about this movie is that it gives us the standard clichés, but often with a twist.  For example:

 
STANDARD CLICHÉ #1 The token black guy (played by the same token black guy who played Cameron Diaz's step-father in There's Something About Mary).
THE TWIST The token black guy is an arab. This is what's known as "killing two token birds with one token stone." Further twisting the cliché, the token black/arab guy isn't one of the first characters to die -- that's an honor that goes to one of the token arab (but not black) boys and the less attractive of the two token females. There's also a token snooty english dude -- but if you're anything like me, his death will make you want to stand up and cheer. Or at least it would if any of those people *really* died in the movie, which I'm totally not saying happened, because only a complete asshead would spoil a movie's major plot points like that, and that's totally not what I'm about. Yes sir, if major plot point spoiling is what you want, you'll have to head over to the *book* review section and read my review of Jaws -- to which, if the webmaster is on top of his game, you should find a link right.... HERE!
STANDARD CLICHE #2 In the future, people will have all sorts of cool-sounding one-syllable abbreviations for words.  Mercenaries will be called "mercs". Prison will be called the "slam". 
THE TWIST They will also substitute for pre-existing cool-sounding one-syllable words with even cooler-sounding one-syllable words.  For instance, a "knife" will be called a "shiv".



That's all I have to say, except that Vin Diesel was also the voice of the Iron Giant.   Right on. - Shawn, 2001

 SCENES FROM: PITCH BLACK


  

 

 AT A GLANCE: PITCH BLACK


NO-SHADOW KICK?
  Tough call -- the whole planet was consumed by darkness.

LOTS OF CREATURES THAT LOOK LIKE THEY COULD'VE BEEN IN STARSHIP TROOPERS? Uh-huh.

MONKS?  They kept on calling the token black/arab guy "Imam" (which is the islamic term for the prayer leader in a mosque), but I couldn't tell if they were being sarcastic.

BEST LINE: "Don't take the chance that I'll get shiv-happy on your wanna-be ass!"

WORTH OWNING?  Eh.  It's not horrible -- rent it and see what you think.

IF IT WAS A MAD MAGAZINE SATIRE: Pitch Bleecchh

IF IT WAS REMADE AS A PORN FLICK: Bitch Back

SEE ALSO: Alien(s)


 READER'S COMMENTS:


I did enjoy the movie 'Pitch black' it was not the most amazing movie, no. But it was more creative than most of the sci-fi crap they have been putting out these days all they are about lately is Aliens coming to earth and then
some guy saving everyone on earth by showing how much testosterone he has!!! This movie on the other hand did make you think every once in a while atleast, for instance you don't know who is going to end up turning on the group and in this case the "bad guy" was the one to save the whole crew. I thought it was inventive, though not the 'must see' movie of the year it did have something about it that caught my attention.

- ShortysGurl024 July 2, 2002


your sight needs more of Vin Diesel pictures in it!

- Mike Hauser, July 7, 2002


Well, Mike Hauser, we here at noshadowkick.com are here to please. Here are some video stills we captured from the upcoming Criterion DVD release of Pitch Black:

 
Riddick (Vin Diesel) realizes he's not alone.
Shazza (Claudia Black) is lovingly carressed by Riddick (Diesel).

Remember, you done seen it here first! Enjoy!

- Tom, No-Shadow Kick, August 8, 2002


i am so in love with vin deisel i don't care that he is 35 so there

- jesuslover413, Aug 13, 02


What about Jesus?

- Tom, No-Shadow Kick, Oct 18, 02


i think that was a geart movie....... and you guys should put more Vin Diesel in there because he the most hotties guy i'v ever seen!!!!! but i really loved your movie but i don't think that girl should of died at the end because i thought her and Vin Diesel would get togather but i am glad she saved him because the movie would be very sad if he died!

- Danielle, Aug 11, 02


you need to add more PICTURES no I mean thats the main reason people come to theese sites...and you need to have info on just Vin Diesel and Pitch Black!!!!

- karaoknhow, Aug 17, 02


I think you need to rethink the whole Pitch Black thing I have seen the movie and would own it not because it was a great movie but Vin Diesel is the hottest new star to hit the big screne in years. Alot better than Tom Cruise.

- Ccdeamber Dec 1, 02


this isnt really a deep insight. . just a suggestion. u need to put pics of vin diesel on here and let people download them onto their computer. thats why i came to this site but yall dont have ne that i can c. i am gonna go check one more time! thanks bye!

- Bina Jan 10, 03


I love VIN DEISEL I want to fuck him 'till he can't take it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Brad Muecke Jan 14, 03


Vin diesel is so hot .... he was amazing in pitch black, the movie gave me the chills!!

- Irishflurbies Jan 18, 03


im in love wit dis bad boy's poise. h'es smoother than butta, baby. if only was 35!!!!!! and his wife!!!!!! i'de be puttin it down on him like a hott mutha,baby. Deisel, if you ever read this, just know i got yo back. and some info about the afterlife baby boy. i luv ya xxx baby! peace

- FoundMercy Jan 20 03


IS THAT VIN IS THE HOTTEST GUY IN THE MOVIE .PERSONALY I THINK YOU NEED MORE CLOSE UPS OF VIN.HE IS A GREAT ACTOR.YOU HIM BEING 35 DOES NOT IRK ME AT ALL. YOU NEED TO HAVE MORE MOVIES WITH HIM IN THEM,THAT IS BEING THE STAR AND ALL. WELL I WILL LET YOU PEOPLE THINK ABOUT THAT THERY.K BYE.

-WHITNEY- Jan 22, 03


How the hell can Ben Affleck be the sexiest man alive?You and I know that Vin Diesel is the SEXIEST MAN ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!

I dame well wish I was in that pitch black darkness with his SEXY ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Heather(future wife) Feb 2, 03


The movie was hott, he is hott..that explains it all. No one looks better than him.
~*Amanda*~


The people writing in this are not very bright. Not only can nobody spell simple words like "with" and "great" but you really need some pictures. Stay in school kids, nobody likes non-spelling dumb-shits. By the way damn is spelled D A M N ! Not "dame". Thankyou.

June, June 4, 2003


i hope you ain't talkin to me I ain't down wit that

~.~*~tom~*~*nsk june5 2003


i think that he was wonderfull in this movie and he looked very good but most people are always talking about how fine he is and everything, but looks aren't everything you have to have talent too, and he has talent alot of it, and he has looks and always a good flim writer b/c he always has a good attidude and it makes him sexy and makes alot of guys want to be like
him well hope to meet you one day Vin Diesel

Mindie Tucker, June 7 2003


Ok i luv tha info, but we need pics!! i'm talkin no shirt.....i'm talkin he is SOOOO sexy and i came to this site for pics...and i didn't see any...so pleeez add more!!
Sarah
aka
*~*cowgurl (wink wink) *~*


just a little info, all i see on here is "if i met vin deisel," and "i wish i could meet him" well i have met him and i see him three or four times a month. so if u have any questions i will tell u. he is a great kisser but he doesn't open his mouth too far. he has the softest hands ever. and his eyes are even more amazing in person. ask and i will tell. (By the way he has no problem picking you up by ass) he does me all the time. so it isn't just in the movie. he has another movie coming out too but that is all i can tell.

- Jason Asselin, august 23, 2003


Thank you for your candor, Mr. Asselin.

- Tom, No-Shadow Kick Dec 2003


Jason Asselin I no for a fact that you are lieing. If you are a male are you stating that Vin is gay? I know Vin isn't. Since you see him so often then maybe you should send me a private e-mail letting me know were i can reach him.

- Felesha aka Lesha


Here are some comments from moi...........Hope you like them if not to BAD! Hey, All you Vin Diesel Lovers! Yeah im talkin to you Brad Muecke .....dude your a guy...hello your gay i kno but B-E-A-Utiful Vin Diesel is MINE!!! So back off you stupid fairy! Anyway..........Vin Diesel is sooooooo hot in any movies he doesnt look 35 at all......and if any of you try to get him ill stick my midget foot in your ass! And June.....mind your DAMN BUISNESS people make mistakes typing and so back off! Vin Diesel I hope you read this cause your mine!! haha ^o^

~*^*~Elizabeth~*^*~


Here are some comments to the readers, for Brad "KEEP YOUR SICK FAIRY FANTASIES TO YOURSELF, BESIDES YOUR A GUY" and as for June "just because some pepls IQs arn't as hih as yours and wi haven't had as much scholing dosn't men you can corect us." Anyway. Damn! Vin Diesel is SEXY! and that fine toned ASS! WOW! Man, did God bless that man with the perfect body Jezi Krezi! but do you know what would make it even better? if there were pictures of him on this site, so we could look at his perfect body. Well since there are no pictures here ladies (and Gentlemen) keep on looking.

~*~ Marie~*~


I think at this point we all agree that Vin Diesel is one of the most beautiful men God ever creatd. Surprisingly he seems insightful and smart too. Who would've thunk in looks and brains.....and personality, and charm, and that voice. Yep, God sure did bless him, he's dripping with sex appeal. Enough of that, he's a great actor how puts alot of passion behind the roles he play. It most be hard on him to have all his true talents forever shadowed by his gorgeous face.

Happypanda


I don't think you really got the point of the movie "Pitch Black." The whole point was about these people fearing that they were going to die and having to rely on somebody who was just as likely to kill them as speak to them. It was character-driven, simply put in a sci-fi setting. In the end, when Carolyn dies, you can see how much Riddick is torn up. Before that, we see Carolyn making a huge change in herself when she goes back for Jack and Iman, and then when she goesback for Riddick. And then comes the real kicker. Riddick actually considers going back to find Carolyn. He has to jolt himself back to reality because Carolyn is dead. And, hey, Vin Diesel running around in a tight, muscle shirt didn't ruin the movie either.

-Kate, now a huge Vin Diesel fan


hey i think all you people need to give up take a reality check your not going to get him so what is the point. i have to agreee with you thet he is the hottist guy i have ever seen and if i got the chance i would do whatever he wanted me to

- nadine


Vinny is soooo hot & you guys are right go back to school & learn how to spell or slow down!! anyway if i met vin i would die! even though he's 37 not 35 hello he was born in the middle of the year 1967 not 69 ok ?he's hot & i'd totally do him! i mean he's hotter then any guy i've ever met or seen in my life! by the way GET SOME FRICKN PICS! thats what i came here for come on every one wants to see him. plus on the search site it said you would have soon pulease thats false dvertisement & im wasting my time k bye

- Joseph


This page is like a retard convention.

- Tom, No-Shadow Kick

 

 FEEDBACK


 MOVIE REVIEW: PITCH BLACK (2000)

 

BACK TO RANDOM CRAP MENU

BACK TO MAIN PAGE