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SHITTY MOVIE REVIEW: REINDEER GAMES (2000)

I was so excited when I first saw the preview for this movie. Not only did it promise over-the-top Bruce Willis-style pointless violence and Bruce Willis-style tongue in cheek one liners-in-the-face-of-danger, but it starred Ben Affleck. What a likeable, hunky dude. Charlize Theron, possibly the most beautiful actress on the whole wide planet, stars as the love interest. Could I go wrong with this movie? Well, I missed it in the theatres, so I finally rented it last weekend.
This is one goddamned bad movie. When I say "bad", bear in mind exactly how much I enjoy "bad" movies. I derive great pleasure from movies that are derivative (Is there a direct line between Frank Bullitt and Mario Cobretti? You tell me.) The more insipid the dialogue, the more outstanding I find the film to be (Keanu: "Pop quiz, asshole.") Affleck's character ("Rudy". Get it? Reindeer. Rudolph. Nah-hah.) is an unlikeable putz. Gary Sinese plays some small-time wannabe crook. He looks like someone you'd see in an audience shot of a Soundgarden live video, circa 93. Did someone once say he was supposed to be some sort of great actor or something? Yes, he shined in The Stand, which wasn't so hard, and I looked forward to future projects, all of which sucked. This guy picks movie roles like Walken, for Christ's sake. Theron? Well, you got to see her boobies. The plot? Unintelligible, implausible in a bad way, and possibly written by monkeys. The beginning was ugly, the middle was aimless, and the end was confusing enough that I would've rewound to watch it again, but just couldn't work up the energy to care. Sort of like Lost Highway. - tom, 2001

EXPLOSIONS? yes, two big pretty colorful ones.

MIDGETS? no.

# OF TIMES I LAUGHED: 153. wait. you said "cringed", right?

WATCH MORE THAN ONCE? i dare you

BEST LINE: Theron to Affleck: "When I get back, you better be wearing nothing but a candy cane." or something like that. It's a paraphrase. I couldn't bear to go back to find the actual quote.

SOUNDTRACK: didn't notice, so i guess that says something.

SEE INSTEAD: DIE HARD, DIE HARDER, DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE, reenact "Die Hard" stories with old GIJoe figures, or see Ben Stiller's DIE HARD 13 skit.

SUGGESTION TO IMPROVE THE FILM: Rudy should've kept muttering "All I want is some pecan pie, god damn it" throughout the movie, then, at the end of the movie, he could have finally gotten a slice. That would have been fucking perfecto.

IF IT WAS A MAD MAGAZINE SATIRE: Reindeer Gay

IF IT WAS REMADE AS A PORN FLICK: Uh.... Reindeer Gay