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5. "You're really lucky to have me, you know. All the strippers said so."

4. "My mom only dates sexually inexperienced men so she can teach them what she likes. Don't let the haircut fool you, she's no lesbian..."

3. "Your name is French for 'I have to take a dump'."

2. "Are you ready to go yet? Come on already, you don't need to put on makeup to go to dinner. It's probably better if you don't, let me tell you why. Say we get into an accident and you croak in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, if you look too good the ambulance guys are gonna toss it in you while your body's still warm. They do that, you know. Seriously, better to stay unattractive."

1. "Don't stand there. I farted."

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